Embracing Solo Polyamory: My Journey to Self-Discovery and Love
Discovering Solo Polyamory
Dating as a non-monogamous person is a wildly challenging journey. It’s a path filled with self-discovery, awkward moments, and, ultimately, growth. I’ve only recently come to recognize that I truly identify as solo poly - a form of non-monogamy where someone maintains multiple intimate relationships while prioritizing independence and a single lifestyle. For me, this means valuing my relationship with myself above all others.
For the past three years, I’ve lived a non-monogamous life. This chapter began post-engagement breakup (yes, I’ve been engaged), during a very interesting and transitional time in my life (for obvious reasons). Whenever I met someone I was romantically interested in, I’d communicate upfront that I “wasn’t ready for anything serious” and that I didn’t intend to be monogamous any time soon. At the time, I believed this was just a phase - something temporary before eventually settling back down into monogamy.
Early last year, I thought I was ready to give monogamy another shot. However, I quickly learned otherwise after an experience that didn’t go as planned. It was a mutual misstep - neither of us communicated our intentions clearly from the start, and the situation was handled poorly. The takeaway? Always, always, always discuss romantic intentions before proceeding with any kind of romantic relationship. That one lesson alone has been invaluable as I continue navigating non-monogamy.
Embracing Solo Polyamory
After that experience, I returned to my non-monogamous way of life - awkward first dates, casual (and not-so-casual) sex, and seeing people here and there. However, reading Polysecure (a book I highly recommend to everyone, regardless of whether they’re poly or not) was a game-changer. It explores attachment styles and helped me better understand myself and my behaviour in romantic relationships.
Through that self-reflection, I realized I identify as solo poly. This realization felt like a solidification of my identity. For the first time ever, I felt like I truly understood my relationship style and desires. Now I approach dating with greater clarity and can communicate what I want more effectively - hell fucking YEAH to that.
Recently, a friend asked me a seemingly simple question: “What are you looking for in your dating life?” To my surprise, I couldn’t immediately give a clear answer. After reflecting, I’ve figured it out: I want romantic companionship - consistency, sex, love, and intimacy. I’ve always appreciated the stability of having a consistent partner, while also valuing the freedom to connect with others. I enjoy emotional intimacy and want to be loved and cared for, while also giving that same energy back to my partners.
Redefining Love and Connection
The truth is, polyamory isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s not always about wild threesomes or being part of a polycule (though I’d never say never HAHA). For me, polyamory is about recognizing that no single person can fulfill every need I have, just as I can’t fulfill all of theirs. It’s about embracing the beauty of individuality, communication, and love in all its diverse forms.
Being solo poly isn’t just about relationships with others; it’s about the relationship I have with myself - one that is grounded in self-awareness, growth, and joy. And that’s exactly where I want to be.