Attachment Styles & Relationships
Welcome to this blog! I hope you’re comfy because this will be a deep and meaningful read.
Lately, I’ve been working through Polysecure by Jessica Fern, a book that delves into attachment, trauma, and consensual non-monogamy. In this post, I’ll share insights about attachment styles and how understanding them has shaped my journey into improved self-awareness.
Attachment Theory Overview
Attachment theory explains the emotional bonds between humans, particularly between infants and their caregivers. Attachment is our first survival strategy - without the love and attention of caregivers, we would die! Dramatic but true. Based on how well our attachment needs were met as children, we develop either secure or insecure attachment styles.
Secure Attachment: Feeling safe with caregivers and exploring the world confidently.
Insecure Attachment: Stemming from unresponsive, inconsistent, or threatening caregiving, resulting in various struggles with emotional connection.
While attachment styles can provide insight into our behaviours, it’s essential to remember: you are not your attachment style. They’re not fixed traits but rather patterns that can be understood, worked on, and adapted. You can also have a mix of attachment styles based on your relationships with different parental figures (e.g., secure with one and insecure with another). If this information feels overwhelming, seeking professional help is a great step - I know it’s on my list when I’ve saved up some funds!
Attachment Styles
Ok. The following are statements taken straight from the book Polysecure. Take a look and see what you may resonate with:
Statements that a person with a secure attachment might make:
I find it easy to make emotional connections with others.
I enjoy being close with others.
I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me.
I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
If I am in distress I can easily turn to my attachment figure for comfort and support.
During conflict or disagreement, I am able to take responsibility for my part, apologize when needed, clear up misunderstandings, apply problem-solving strategies and forgive when needed.
Parental figure’s actions were: protective, emotionally available, responsive and attuned to your needs.
Statements that a person with a dismissive (avoidant) attachment might make:
My autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency are very important to me.
I am generally comfortable without close relationships and do well on my own.
I want to be in relationships and have some closeness with people, but I can only tolerate closeness to a limit and then I need space.
I prefer not to share my feelings or show a partner how I feel deep down.
I frequently dont know what I’m feeling or needing and/or I can miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing.
I feel uncomfortable relying on partners and having partners depend or rely on me.
I either struggle with making relationship commitments or if I do commit, I may secretly have one for out the door.
During disagreements or in conflict I tend to withdraw, shut down, shut out or stonewall.
Parental figure’s actions were: Unavailable, unresponsive, imperceptive or mis-attuned, or rejecting.
Statements that a person with an preoccupied (anxious) attachment might make:
I am comfortable with connection and usually crave it more than my partners do.
I am very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their emotional or mental states.
I often worry about being abandoned, rejected or not valued enough.
I tend to overfocus on my partners and underfocus on myself.
When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn towards others to make sense of what I’m experiencing or to make myself feel better.
I tend to commit to relationships and get attached very quickly.
I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old wounds.
Parental figure’s actions were: inconsistently responsive, available or attuned; intrusive, acting out of their needs for attention or affection over the child’s needs
Statements that a person with a fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment might make:
I often don’t feel safe or fully trusting in relationships, even if my partner acts in safe and trustworthy ways.
I frequently get triggered by things that may seem to come out of nowhere.
I genuinely want intimacy and closeness but I can experience episodes of fearful overwhelm when intimacy with a partner increases.
When in conflict, I vacillate from being overwhelmed or aggressive to being dismissive and numb.
I often expect that the worst will happen in a relationship, even when things are going well.
Parental figure’s actions were: frightening, threatening, frightened, disorienting, alarming.
My Journey with Romantic/Sexual Relationships
Understanding my attachment style has been a crucial step in navigating relationships and eventually exploring polyamory. Let’s dive into the highlights (and lowlights HAHA) of my romantic journey. Wow, we’re getting really deep and personal here, eh?
First Relationship: My first boyrfriend, and a nine-month relationship that ended after discovering he had been cheating on me. During the relationship, I began to feel increasingly isolated. He distanced himself emotionally, often blaming his withdrawal on being tired from working two jobs. Looking back, this was likely avoidant behavior, coupled with his cheating.
For months, I cried to him, asking what was wrong because I could sense the shift in our relationship. He repeatedly reassured me that his exhaustion was the only issue. Feeling neglected and confused, I found myself one night seeking comfort in someone else’s arms. While nothing happened beyond cuddling, I knew it was wrong. When I confessed, he got quiet, had me acknowledge my fault, and said he would stay with me.
We only saw each other twice in the month after that as the distance between us grew even larger, and it was during this time I discovered - thanks to some poorly hidden Instagram activity - that he had been cheating on me for what was likely months. Despite the betrayal, my partially secure attachment style helped me understand that his actions were not a reflection of my worth. They also didn’t affect my ability to trust others in future relationships. However, my anxious attachment is what led me to seek affection elsewhere. I wasn’t receiving the emotional connection I craved from the person who was supposed to make me feel safe - my boyfriend.
Second Relationship: For years after my first monogamous relationship, I dated and had casual relationships, but nothing ever developed into a formal “boyfriend/girlfriend” dynamic - until I met my ex-fiancé. I won’t delve too deeply into that relationship, as it worked well for the most part, and my attachment needs were being fulfilled for the most part. In hindsight, I realize we had different attachment styles, and understanding them might have helped us navigate instances of conflict more effectively. Overall, it was a good relationship - until it wasn’t, for reasons I prefer to keep private. Despite the breakup, we remain friends and occasionally turn to each other for safety and support.
Subsequent relationships: After a toxic rebound relationship, I spent time focusing on myself before deciding, in late 2023, that I was ready for something more meaningful.
In early 2024, I began seeing someone new, but without clear communication about expectations, the dynamic quickly became strained. His avoidant tendencies and my anxious responses created a cycle that ultimately led me to end things.
This experience was honestly pivotal for me in my romantic life - it taught me the importance of open communication and self-awareness in relationships. It also solidified my decision to explore non-monogamy. Traditional monogamy hadn’t worked for me in the past, and I wanted to approach relationships with more intention and honesty moving forward.
Now I prioritize discussing intentions early on to avoid mismatched expectations. Polyamory offers a framework that feels more aligned with my values and needs, and understanding attachment styles continues to guide me toward healthier, more fulfilling connections (I fucking hope).
My Attachment Style
I’ve discovered that I have a partially secure and partially anxious attachment style. In relationships, I often crave deep connection and intimacy to feel whole. I tend to prioritize my partners over myself, stepping into a nurturing role and taking care of them - sometimes at the expense of my own needs.
I’ve also noticed a tendency to seek validation externally rather than within, which has affected how I navigate romantic and sexual relationships. For me, sex has been a way to find comfort and closeness. The cuddling and aftercare that follow physical intimacy bring me a sense of security, temporarily filling an emotional void I haven’t yet learned to address on my own. When I feel sad, anxious, or depressed, I deeply crave being held, and sex has become a consistent way to meet that need.
Unfortunately, this has led to some unsavoury experiences, leaving me with sex-related trauma that I’m now committed to addressing and seeking professional help when the cash money comes in! In the meantime, I’m doing my best to stay mindful of my feelings surrounding sex, taking time to reflect and journal whenever negative emotions come up (which has been quite often if I’m being completely honest). I’ve also found that practicing abstinence can help when I feel particularly lost in my relationship with sex. Taking a step back creates space for me to reset, but I’m still working on navigating and addressing the negative feelings that arise when I do have sex (which I fucking love having, UGH!).
This journey is far from over, and I’m proud of myself for taking steps toward healing and self-awareness!!! WAAHOOOOO!!
Conclusion… for now!
Understanding attachment theory has been a transformative part of my personal growth and journey into polyamory. By uncovering the ways my attachment style influences my relationships, I’ve made it a priority to learn how to approach connections with more intention, communication, and a better understanding of my needs.
The road isn’t always easy, and there’s still work to be done, but recognizing my patterns and striving to adapt them is a step in the right direction. Whether monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, relationships thrive when built on self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to grow.
Thank you so much for reading, and I hope this encourages you to explore your own attachment style and how it might shape your relationships!!!! The path to healing and connection starts with understanding ourselves.
Let’s fucking GO!!!!