My Body No Longer Feels Like My Own: A Commentary on Chronic Illness
As I sit here typing this, my body aches. I looked into the mirror today and failed to recognize the person staring back at me. My body is my home… and it feels abandoned. Creaky. Lonely. Falling apart at the seams.
Content Warning: This post discusses chronic illness, medical gaslighting, mental health struggles, and feelings of hopelessness. If you are sensitive to these topics, please take care while reading. You are not alone.
A Battle with Unseen Symptoms
For years, I’ve struggled with cyclical symptoms ranging from joint pain, severe anxiety/paranoia, depression, ADHD, vaginal issues, bloating, abdominal pain, poor bowel movements, hair loss, brain fog, and memory issues. I’ve seen a naturopath, consulted nutritionists, visited my family doctor, and even been admitted to the hospital. But this year, I’ve experienced the worst flare-up of symptoms I’ve ever had.
I was at a loss. I had just committed to an anti-inflammatory diet (as of last November), and my periods were finally improving - so why was everything else getting worse?
A Frustrating Search for Answers
Desperate, I sought out an appointment at a walk-in clinic. The doctor offered little in the way of solutions. I dreaded going back to my family doctor because, for two years, I hadn’t even seen her - only fill-in doctors.
A v good example of the eyebag situation (this is with cover up on them)
Then, through sheer happenstance, my mother connected me with a naturopath in Burlington. We hopped on a consult, and through a VIDEO CALL she took one look at me and said, “Based on your symptoms and the bags under your eyes, I can tell you have food sensitivities, and it’s sounding like there may be something autoimmune happening.” She urged me to get a colonoscopy, an endoscopy, and a full panel of blood tests, including a test for celiac disease.
The Gluten Connection
While waiting for my referral to a gastroenterologist, I started thinking about gluten. I realized that in January, I had been eating homemade sourdough bread almost daily. It was absolutely delicious, but… what if it was the culprit?
I cut out gluten completely. Within a week, my mental health significantly improved. I felt clearer. My mood was stable. My body still ached, but at least my mind felt like my own again.
Then, just as I was starting to feel normal, the GI specialist called. They scheduled my colonoscopy and endoscopy - for two and a half weeks later. When I asked if I needed to continue consuming gluten for accurate test results, the answer was yes.
Fuck. Here we go again.
Losing My Sense of Self
I don’t recognize my own body. And if I’m being honest, the lines of recognition have been blurring for years.
Showering and watching more hair than I think is normal swirl down the drain. Being bedridden for days after a 10HR+ wedding day. Getting dizzy after moderate exercise. Falling into these cycles of thinking where I just feel absolutely fucking hopeless sprinkled with a good dose of anxiety and negative thinking… Cycles that can take me weeks to get out of, only to be sucked right back in with no clear reason.
I’ve noticed that my desire to take self-portraits has all but disappeared. Self-portraits used to be a powerful way for me to embrace my body, my sexuality, my life. They were a way to navigate personal milestones and heal. But now? Now, I barely have the motivation to take photos of myself. Because when I look at myself, I don’t feel like me.
The Glutening
I’m now eight days into eating gluten again for these tests. I’ve finally found a direct correlation between something I’m consuming and how it’s making me feel. The recognition is officially gone. I look in the mirror, and all I see are sunken eyes, hollowed cheeks, and blotchy skin. All I feel is pain. The simplest tasks leave me completely drained. I spend most of my time lying down. Even sitting hurts. Writing this blog is causing me pain.
But I need to write this.
A Call for Awareness
I’d like to bring awareness to chronic illness - and especially undiagnosed chronic illness. If you feel like something is wrong in your body, you are probably right.
I’ve spent years being dismissed by medical professionals, and at times, it was easier to just stay silent than to be gaslit or misdiagnosed. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t ignore it anymore. If you are struggling with something similar, my heart is with you.
Existing in the trenches of hopelessness fucking sucks. And I hear you.
Holding onto Hope
Despite everything, I’m holding onto hope. Hope that I’m on the right path. Hope that this pain will lead to answers. Hope that, one day, I’ll look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me.
To those who are fighting similar battles - you are not alone. Keep pushing. Keep advocating for yourself. Your body, your home, is worth fighting for. I love you. I’m thinking of you.
-Irene