Masturbation: A Commentary Pt.2

“Instead of assuming the word sex means a penis inside a vagina, we need to realize that there are an infinite number of ways to express our sexuality.” - Betty Dodson, in Sex for One.

Here I am, back again talking about masturbation. I told you I wanted to open more conversations about it, didn't I?

In Betty Dodson's book, Sex for One (HIGHLY recommend this as a read, by the way), she discussed how society has "been so brainwashed by romantic love" that when she spoke about masturbation and the importance of maintaining a solo practice, people assumed she was against "regular sex." On the contrary, she supported any and all sexual activity that ultimately makes both partners happy.

My own relationship with self-pleasure began in childhood. What started as simply something that felt good has evolved into a practice of self-discovery that I am trying to understand better now and continue to explore.

Despite how common it is, we still don't talk enough about masturbation, yet references to partnered sex are everywhere. Through these societal messages, I realized I had been made to feel incomplete without a partner. When I did find sexual partners, I would try to fill the gaps in my identity with their company.

What I have previously practiced as validation and confidence-boosting is what Betty calls "compulsive intercourse", and treating partnered sex as the only valid form of sexuality. I've rushed into sexual experiences, viewing penetration as the ultimate goal, and have been left feeling dissatisfied, used, or unfulfilled about 90% of the time (and I'm being generous here). This isn't necessarily my partners' fault - I think society's message that "sex" equals penis-in-vagina intercourse is the norm… and deeply damaging to our sexual selves. As Betty notes, "...we need to realize that there are an infinite number of ways to express our sexuality."

The expression I'm currently exploring more deeply is self-pleasure. I have an upcoming date with myself at an Airbnb, where I'll be taking the evening to make love to myself. Betty outlines specific steps in her process, which I'll follow and adapt as needed... And yes, I'll write about it for you. Because this conversation needs to happen. We need to bring masturbation to the forefront of sexual discourse. One cum at a time.