Feeling My Way Back to Myself
I’ve made a lot of realizations over the past two months while navigating a flare of my (still undiagnosed) chronic illness.
Being mostly off work has given me unexpected time to reflect, read, and dive into content around healing. And today’s realization hit me hard: I’ve been intellectualizing my stress instead of actually feeling it in my body - until it was too late.
So what does that even mean? Let’s break it down.
Disconnection: The Head vs. The Body
For years, I’ve been going to doctors, trying to get answers so I could finally work on healing. One question I was frequently asked was, “How stressed do you feel?”
Every time, my mind would blank. “I don’t know. Not that much?” was my usual response.
I was working. I was maintaining friendships. I wasn’t bedridden. How bad could my stress really be if I didn’t recognize it right away?
But here’s the truth: that was my way of protecting myself. If I didn’t feel it, I didn’t have to deal with it. When something stressed me out, I’d analyze it, rationalize it, and convince myself to move on. I didn’t realize that the stress I thought I had "let go of" was still living in my body.
When the Body Finally Speaks
It wasn’t until I was bedridden that I started to understand.
Half my day was spent lying horizontal. Standing or even sitting would drain me. My stomach became sensitive to almost everything. I was constantly exhausted no matter how much I slept. And the wildest part? There wasn’t anything I could point to that was actively stressing me out. So why the hell did I feel so sick?
Enter: somatic practice.
A friend of mine (hi Jill!) is a somatic practitioner and had been posting about the importance of being in your body. Then came the TikToks about somatic practice entered my algorithm. Then a message reply to one of my Insta Story polls saying somatic practice changed their life. I couldn’t really wrap my head around it at the time, but this is something I would come to learn and want to practice for the rest of my life.
What Is Somatic Therapy?
Soma literally means body.
Somatic therapy is a type of healing that helps you become aware of your physical sensations, emotions, and stress responses. It encourages you to feel your feelings in your body, accept them, and move through them in order to heal.
I couldn’t recognize my stress because it had been trapped in my body, unreleased and ignored. My chronic fatigue. My clenched jaw. My tense shoulders. My body had been trying to tell me something for years - but I wasn’t listening. This recent flare forced me to pay attention.
Learning to Feel Again
This week, while on vacation, I started reading Getting Our Bodies Back by Christine Caldwell. It’s been a lifeline.
I’m planning to start somatic therapy, practice somatic meditations, and intentionally make space for activities that promote joy, play, and rest.
Here’s a lil’ list of things that make me feel good in my body & mind:
Hiking: collecting or simply admiring little things in nature
Taking my film camera to new spots and capturing moments that inspire me
Swimming at the beach, where so many of my happiest memories live
Reading books on love and somatics
These moments bring me back to myself.
Tracing It Back: Where Did This Start?
So, I had the what and the how. But what about the why?
Why didn’t I learn to feel my emotions in my body? Like many things, it goes back to childhood.
Everyone’s trauma looks different. In my case, I had to make myself small. I wasn’t always allowed to fully feel my emotions - much less express or regulate them. My emotions would come out in outbursts, or I’d internalize fear so deeply that my body held onto it.
As I grew older, I learned to stifle tears (which would sometimes come to a boiling point and overflow). Crying was something we were taught to feel ashamed of. But why is vulnerability treated like a weakness? I believe it’s the opposite. To allow yourself to feel fully, to cry, to let your emotions move through you - that is strength. That is release. That is healing.
Where I Am Now
I have held so much emotion and stress in my body for years, unaware and unequipped to address it. Now, I’m slowly learning to recognize it. To be present with it. To feel it. And I am so thankful for this turning point.
This is just the beginning of my healing. A journey of self-discovery, growth, and gentleness.
My end goal? To lead with love. Love for myself, first and foremost, and from that place, love for others. Because at the end of the day, who doesn’t want a life led by love?